and the trainwreck is me."
That's a pretty fantastic line from Quarterlife. I kinda feel like that sums up how I feel about things... but not really. Things aren't going so wonderful out here. I'm actually in a really good mood tonight, I feel incredibly creative and am kinda ready to go out and conquer the world. But, I worry that I'm gonna wake up and that will all be gone. I don't wanna wake up lonely, broke and bored again.
It's really kinda weird having the capability to write in this kind of forum. I don't know that there has ever been a time in history when someone could post their innermost thoughts and feelings for strangers, even worse their family and friends, to read an instant after they are written.
But, back to where I was going before. I kind of feel like I'm in a weird rut. A repeating cycle. I get down and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, then I feel like I see it, and it gets brighter, and bigger, until I realize it's not a light at the end of the tunnel, it's just an oncoming train carrying more shit that I have to deal with.
That was kind of an akward metaphor, but I think you get the point. This whole experience boils down to trying to keep some sort of precarious balance between crushing, mind-numbing, brain battering fear and the desire to live out my dreams that keeps pushing me forward. Every time that I get completely freaked out and wanna pack up my shit and run home to my comfortable Louisiana life, I have to realize that I have an interesting opportunity here that I have to keep striving to make into a reality. I am actually going to school for what I like to do. I have an assignment to "play around" with trying to model a scorpion. That's pretty cool.
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Dude... When I read this shit I just wanna come out there and kick you in the dick. Forget the fear and the loneliness and play goddammit. You'll meet people, you'll have fun but until you do, do what you did here every night. Stay up late and PLAY! Now you have the time/purpose and you don't need to worry about ANYTHING else. Seriously! If you start thinking about coming back here, think about your job here at WBRZ and how Ball shit on you and that should help keep you out there. Think of the potential. Now get back to work!
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